The Vengeful Ghost of Engineer
by Dr. Q. Uirk
Summary: His life could have been spared, but it went too far. This harrowing tale depicts the true and cruel nature of Scout spamming. Think twice before you ask for a dispenser because it could be your last.
1. Oh God, What Have I Done With My LIFE?

AN: This is what happens when people post stupid things on Facebook. Hint: This is a parody of a chain-mail letter. The real post is in the next chapter.

Reader beware: Satire ahead.

Spamming killed him.  
There and then, BLU's Engineer, Dell Conagher, decided that he couldn't take the cries of, "Need a dispensa' here!" any longer. He planned to stay behind that evening, after the battle, and tell the Administrator what had been happening. Unfortunately, his decision came too late to save his life.

After Sniper and Spy had finished their routine morning bickering fraught with unrequited sexual tension, the Administrator announced that there was a ceasefire due to the respawn system being reset because Soldier had mistaken it for a Communist listening device again. When Sniper and Spy restarted the seriously-just-fuck-each-other-already bickering, Engineer and the rest of the BLU team filed out of the base when the argument threatened to turn into wild table sex and assembled on the battlefield outside. The RED Scout was there too because he was a Goddamn rebel that does what he wants. As the Soldier read out the roll call because he does what he wants too, the duo of cross-faction Scouts decided that this was a great opportunity to live up to the time-old Scout creed of being an ass and embarrass Dell in front of the portion of BLU not having wild table sex during the ceasefire. They moved over to where Dell was standing, near a sewer drain, and began crowding the poor Engineer by taking turns yelling, "Need a dispensa' here!" and hitting him with their bats while shouting, Bonk!" Their bats drove him towards the active, level-three, RED sentry-gun that the RED Engineer had left up because he could.

They yelled "Bonk!" at him and he tripped over and fell right in the firing rang of the sentry. When they saw him falling, the Scouts started guffawing like morons over the increasing volume of Sniper shouting, "FUCK ME HARDER IN THE ASS SPOI. OHH YEAH, I'M A BLOODY DINKUM AUSTRAILIAN. GAHHH," so nobody could hear anything. When Dell's name was finally called out by Soldier, the Scouts had to shout over Spy yelling, "MY WEE-WEE GETS 'ARD WHEN YOU THROW YOUR OWN URINE AT UNSUSPECTING PEOPLE. OHONHONHONHONHONHONHON." "FUCKIN' FAG FELL DOWN 'CAUSE HE'S A FUCKING BITCH-FAG-ASS-WHORE!" the sheer eloquence of the recent dialogues of Sniper, Spy, and Scout were so moving and loud that Saxton Hale paused in the middle of strangling a crocodile and cried like a fucking bitch-fag-ass-whore.

All of the other mercenaries began openly weeping. But when they looked over to the sentry and saw Dell's body lying in front of it in his own blood and guts, the weeping abruptly stopped. His head was twisted around at an odd angle and his face was covered in blood. Worse still, he wasn't moving. There was nothing any the Administrator could do because respawn had been turned off. The BLU Engineer was dead. Medic determined that he had broken his neck by performing an unnecessary autopsy on the Engineer because blood and human entrails turned him on. Heavy was getting lucky tonight. Medic also claimed his face had been torn off by the ground when he fell. Medic was either a dumbass or lost his medical license by extracting some poor patient's skeleton, or both. This was gathered when he spontaneously yelled, "HAHAHA! I HAVF NO IDEA! LOL JK I'M ACTUALLY JUST A PSYCHO NAZI WHO REMOVES SKELETONS, OR AM I?" Puzzling. Little did they know that he was just trying to draw attention away from his blood/human entrails/Heavy boner. Well played Medic; well played.  
Medic and Heavy hauled Dell's body out of TeuFort and brought him to the mortuary where they had a threesome with it because Medic is a kinky bastard. Everyone, except the still horny Sniper and Spy, had to stay behind afterwards while Soldier questioned all of Dell's teammates plus the RED Scout. The two Scouts lied to the Soldier, saying they had witnessed a Communist bonking Dell toward the sentry. Soldier believed the Scouts, and Dell Conagher's death was ruled an accident, and the Medic and Heavy's threesome was interrupted because Soldier hates Communists, and Nazis, and faggotry in general. Everyone thought that was the last they would hear of Dell Conagher, but they were wrong.

Months later, Dells's teammates began receiving strange mic-spam on their server AND WHAT FOURTH WALL. The mic-spam always said "They spammed him. Bonk!" and claimed that Dell hadn't really fallen down; he had been bonked. DUN, DUN, DUNNNNNN. The spam also warned that the guilty people should own up and take responsibility for their crime. If they didn't, there would be horrible consequences AND NO MORE DISPENSERS HERE. IT'S IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE FORESHADOWING. Most people dismissed the mic-spam as the fourth wall being broken I SAID THERE WAS NO FOURTH WALL LOLWUT, but others, that wish to go un-named because this is totally true as fuck, were not so sure.

A few days later, one of the Scouts who bonked Dell into the sentry was at home taking a shower and wondering why Sniper and Spy made loud comments at night about their asses and wee-wees when he heard Engineer saying, "Erecting a dispenser!" but Engineer was dead. SO WHO WAS DISPENSER? It seemed to be coming from the drain. The Scout started to freak out and ran out of the bathroom and streaked the entire house. That night, the Scout said goodnight to his Ma' and went to sleep. Five hours later, his Ma' was awakened in the middle of the night, by a loud voice saying, "Erecting a dispenser!" that resounded throughout the house. She ran into her son's room, only to find it empty. There was no trace of the Scout. The worried mother called the BLU team and when they arrived, they conducted a search of the area. Eventually, they discovered the Scout's grisly remains.

His corpse was lying in front of a dispenser, covered in blood and Medic semen. His neck was broken and his face was missing. It had been completely torn off. Soon enough, the second Scout who had bonked Dell that day were found dead. They had all been killed in exactly the same way and were all found at exactly the same spot. Next to a dispenser covered in blood and Medic semen like Dell had been. But the killing didn't stop there. More and more of Dell's former teammates were found dead. It seemed that anyone who didn't believe that Dell had been bonked were found eventually next to a dispenser with their necks broken, and their faces torn off, and covered in Medic's love juices.

They say that Engineer's **ghost**is still on the rampage, hunting down anyone who doesn't believe his story. According to the legend, Engineer will get you, whether it's from a toilet, a shower, a sink, or a drain. Why? Because Engineer's a closet pervert that likes watching people taking dumps. When you go to sleep, you'll wake up next to a dispenser, in complete darkness, paralyzed, unable to move, hearing "Erecting a dispenser," all around you. Then, as you scream in horror, Engineer will come and tear your face off (we still don't know how Medic's – uh – well, yeah.).

So be careful who you spam, because you just might find yourself on the receiving end of the curse of the BLU Engineer.

FACT: About two months later, Dr. Q. Uirk read an annoying post that was EVERYWHERE on his fucking Facebook fucking wall about some bitch-fag-ass-whore named Carmen and didn't repost it. No, Dr. Q. Uirk improved it. When he posted it on , he heard "Erecting a dispenser, started freaking out, and yelled, "What the fuck have I done?" He said goodnight FOR THE LAST TIME and went to sleep, but five hours later, Dr. Q. Uirk was gone.

Even Google his name - you'll find this to be true.  
Stop reposting stupid stuff if you're against spamming (and no one gives a fuck about your dispenser, you little whore).

AN: Really, what the fuck have I done?


	2. The Inspiration

The original chain-post.

Bullying killed her.  
There and then, Carmen decided that she couldn't take the bullying any longer. She planned to stay behind, that evening, after school, and tell her teacher what had been happening. Unfortunately, her decision came too late to save her life.

After lunch, her teacher announced that the school was holdi ng a fire drill. When the alarm sounded, Carmen and the other students filed out of the classroom and assembled in the yard outside. As the teachers read out the roll call, the gang of five girls decided that this was a great opportunity to embarrass Carmen in front of the whole school during the fire drill. They moved over to where Carmen was standing, near a sewer drain, and began crowding the poorgirl, getting in her face and nudging her towards the open manhole.

They pushed her and she tripped over and fell head-first down the manhole. When they saw her falling, the girls started giggling and when Carmen's name was called out, they shouted "She's down in the sewer!"

All of the other students began laughing. But when the teachers looked down the manhole and saw Carmen's body lying at the bottom in the muck and the poop, the laughter abruptly stopped. Her head was twisted around at an odd angle and her face was covered in blood. Worse still, she wasn't moving. There was nothing any of the teachers could do for her. Carmen was dead. When the police arrived and went down into the sewer, they determined that she had broken her neck. Her face had been torn off when she hit the ladder on the way down and her neck snapped when she landed on her head on the concrete at the bottom.

The police hauled Carmen's body out of the sewer and sent her to the mortuary. Everyone had to stay behind after school while the police questioned all of Carmen's classmates. The five girlslied to the police, saying they had witnessed Carmen falling down the sewer. The police believed the girls and Carmen Winstead's death was ruled an accident and the case was closed. Everyone thought that was the last they would hear of Carmen Winstead, but they were wrong.

Months later, Carmen's classmates began receiving strange e-mails on their MySpaces. The e-mails were titled "They Pushed Her" and claimed that Carmen hadn't really fallen down the sewer, she had been pushed. The e-mails also warned that the guilty people should own up and take responsibility for their crime. If they didn't there would be horrible consequences. Most people dismissed the e-mails as a hoax, but others were not so sure.

A few days later, one of the girls who pushed Carmen down the sewer was at home taking a shower, when she heard a strange cackling laugh. It seemed to be coming from the drain. The girl started to freak out and ran out of the bathroom. That night, the girl said goodnight to her mom and went to sleep. Five hours later, her mom was awoken in the middle of the night, by a loudnoise that resounded throughout the house. She ran into her daughter's room, only to find it empty. There was no trace of the girl. The worried mother called the police and when they arrived, they conducted a search of the area. Eventually, they discovered the girl's grisly remains.

Her corpse was lying in the sewer, covered in muck and poop. Her neck was broken and her face missing. It had been completely torn off. One by one, all of the girls who pushed Carmen that day were found dead. They had all been killed in exactly the same way and were all found at exactly the same spot. In the sewer at the bottom of the same uncovered manhole where Carmen had met her doom. But the killing didn't stop there. More and more of Carmen's former classmates were found dead. It seemed that anyone who didn't believe that Carmen had been pushed, was eventually found down in the sewer with their necks broken and their faces torn off.

They say that Carmen's **ghost**is still on the rampage, hunting down anyone who doesn't believe her story. According to the legend, Carmen will get you, whetherit's from a toilet, a shower, a sink or a drain. When you go to sleep, you'll wake up in the sewer, in complete darkness, paralyzed, unable to move, hearing cackling laughter all around you. Then, as you scream in horror, Carmen will come and tear your face off.

So be careful who you bully, because you just might find yourself on the receiving end of the curse of Carmen Winstead.

FACT: About two months later, 16-year-old David Gregory read this post and didn't repost it. When he went to take a shower, he heard laughter, started freaking out, and ran to his computer to repost it. He said goodnight to his mom and went to sleep, but five hours later, his mom woke up in the middle of the night from a loud noise and David was gone. A few hours later, the police found him in the sewer, with a broken neck and the skin on his face peeled off.

Even Google her name - you'll find this to be true.  
Repost this if your against bullying


End file.
